Making A Choice to Love
HENCE THE WORD CHOSE
Why? I don’t really know; I felt a need to be with my own mind, other than being extremely tired lately, I needed peace with myself. I have noticed that I am getting to busy again and neglecting the one thing I have been working on so hard this year, self esteem, learning to love myself and being happy with my own decisions. I have been adapting to an other’s lifestyle and forgetting my own and because of that, I believe I am overly tired. Realizing this made me think:
DOES IT TAKE THAT MUCH WORK TO MAKE IT ALL WORK?
When I made the decision to start a new relationship, I knew I was ready. How? I felt it. I figured it was a test of my own ability to love another and allow someone to love me for all the right reasons. The thing is I am not sure that my abilities to make it all fit are strong. I see myself slipping from time to time, backing away from enjoying the wonderful moments we have together. Is it because I fear so much that a bomb will fall again and I am protecting my inner core of destruction or am I unsure of the whole relationship? Could be a bit of both.
For the time being, I see him as a beautiful individual who has much to offer but also has some reservations of his own. He shows me that he is ready and willing and has no pass demons as I do but then again, I know deep down we all have those. Don’t kid yourself if you think that your past is not a part of your present, it makes you who you are today. Those people who tell you to let go of the baggage are full of shit. It is why we grow stronger everyday, defeating the mistakes we made back then and control who we can become.
What I need to remember right now is that I am still working on myself, my sanity, my demons and my self esteem. I cannot let my surroundings control who I am and what I want out of life; the goal is to know when to step back and take a good look at the big picture and decide what is best for me.
So for today: Keeping it simple may not be the best course of action for me, but simplifying my needs or wants should be one day at a time.